Talking to Aging Parents About Home Care: How to Start the Conversation

Talking with aging parents about home care is an opportunity to learn what matters most to them and explore how a little support can help them keep doing the things they enjoy.

Key Takeaways:

• Start the conversation with what’s happening now. Talk about a specific concern rather than making broad statements about what your parents can or can’t do.  
• Keep your parents’ priorities at the center. Ask what they want to keep doing, listen to their concerns, and give your parents a say in how they receive support. 
• Start small and give it time. Home care can start with minimal assistance. A “no” today doesn’t mean the conversation is over. 

As your parents get older, you may start noticing little changes in their day-to-day lives. Maybe mornings are getting harder, or they’re not driving as much. More often than not, they could use another set of hands around the house.  

These changes can be a good reason to check in. After all, you want your parents to keep enjoying the routines, activities, and independence that are important to them. 

The key is knowing how to bring them up. Your idea of making life a little easier may not be what your parents have in mind. Starting with what they want to keep doing and listening to how they feel about getting some assistance can lead to a more productive conversation. 

At Golden Harmony, we’ve helped many families navigate these conversations. Here are five things we’ve learned that can make it easier to talk about care while keeping your aging parents part of the decision: 

1. Talk About What’s Happening Now

Try resisting big declarations like, “You can’t keep doing this alone.” Start with something specific you’ve noticed.

The National Institute on Aging (NIA)  gives some good examples:  

• • Can the person prepare meals on a stove safely? 
  • Are they bathing regularly and wearing appropriate clothing for the weather? 
  • Is the home relatively clean and free of clutter? 
  • Do they have the medications they need, and are they taking them regularly?

Maybe the issue in your family is getting ready in the morning, driving to appointments, or keeping up with household tasks. Choose one thing to talk about rather than jumping  to big conclusions.

2. Ask What Your Aging Parents Want to Keep Doing

We spend a lot of time asking what older adults need help with. Try turning that question around: What do your parents want to keep doing for as long as they can?

Maybe Mom wants to stay in her home, and Dad wants to continue meeting friends for lunch. Both might appreciate keeping their familiar morning routine or choosing how their day is spent.

AARP cautions adult children against “parenting” their aging parents as their needs change: “You may be in a more supportive role now, but our parents will always be our parents.” 

Even when your roles begin to change, your parents still want a say in how to spend their time, who comes into their home, and what kind of support they’re comfortable accepting. 

3. Start Small

Sometimes the phrase “home care” feels intimidating, as if someone is about to show up and take over. But it can be as simple as another set of hands during the busiest part of the day.

In fact, one Golden Harmony family found that their mom could use a little assistance first thing each day. 

“She only needs an hour or two in the morning to get her day started. We’re able to tailor what she needs on an hourly and daily basis.” — John D.

That’s a good example of why we encourage families to talk about the immediate need instead of an undefined future.

When you ask about just one thing that might make your aging parents’ day easier, they may surprise you by saying something small. A lot of times it’s the smallest things that make the biggest difference. 
 

4. Take Your Aging Parents’ Concerns Seriously

“I don’t want a stranger in my house” is something families often hear. It’s an understandable concern. Your parents are being asked to welcome someone new into the place where they’re most comfortable and into routines they may have had for years.

Instead of brushing that worry aside, ask what would help them feel more comfortable. What kind of personality do they feel would be a good fit? What are they particularly concerned about? What would they want a care provider to know about their routine? 

Giving your parents a voice in what the relationship looks like can make the idea feel less like something being decided for them. 

At Golden Harmony, we know how important a good care match is. One daughter came to our team when her mom suddenly needed extra support. Here’s what she had to say:

“From the first phone call I felt extremely comfortable with them, enough to trust one of my favorite people to their service. They understood my fears and anxieties and led me easily through the process. My mom’s caregiver, Sovia, did an extremely good job and my mom was comfortable with her and enjoyed their time together.” – LeAnn H.

The person coming into your parent’s home should be someone they can become comfortable with and trust.
 

5. Remember a “No” Isn’t the End

Your aging parents may not be ready after the first conversation. Instead of immediately countering a “no,” find out what it means. Are they worried about not having enough privacy or too much help? Are they nervous about losing control of a routine or having someone unfamiliar in the house?

Listen to what they say. It gives you a much better place to start the next conversation. 

Needs can look very different from one family to another. John D.’s mom benefited from a helping hand for just an hour or two every morning. LeAnn’s mom was looking for a little extra support and a care provider she could trust. Other families may find relief through assistance after a hospital or rehab stay. Some need around-the-clock care.

It’s always important to start with what helps right now. And that’s how we approach care at Golden Harmony: start where your parent is, listen to what they want, and provide support that can adapt as their needs change.

Still figuring out how to start the conversation? Read our previous blog post for more tips on talking with your parents about aging and navigating some of the emotions that can come with it. 

If your family is ready to explore what support could look like, reach out to the Golden Harmony team. We’re here to help you find the right amount of support while keeping your parents’ independence, preferences, and voice at the center.